How to live my life…by me :)

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How to live my life – by me

 

1. Buy a huge bed and sleep next to your baby (your actual baby, not your husband..) This way, when the baby wakes up crying at 4a.m., you can just roll over with the goods and let them suckle while you are sleeping *1

2. Buy nappies with blue lines that appear when the baby has done a wee. Then you can just peer through the poppers without having to actually wake up fully and get off the nappy only to find that it is dry as a bone.

3. When your toddler wakes in the night, punch your husband and tell him. If he doesn’t get up within ten seconds, give him another punch..harder this time.

4. When your husband’s alarm goes off at 6:30a.m., punch him. If this gets no results, see above for the next step.

5. Do not get up to make your husband’s breakfast. After all, you woke up with the baby…kind of.

6. Stay in bed for as long as is humanly possible. If baby wakes up, try to get him to sleep at least for another thirty minutes or so. Try step one to keep him quiet.

7. When toddler creeps into your room ten minutes later because your husband is making a racket downstairs, pretend to be asleep. She may just curl up next to you and fall asleep. More likely, she will clamber on you, or even worse, the sleeping baby next to you.

8. Try to leave sleeping baby in your bed. Stuff a long pillow between the bed and whatever is next to it so that he doesn’t fall on the floor.

9. Go downstairs, put some cereal in a bowl and station the toddler in front of Baby t.v.

10. Relax, drink a coffee, check your e-mails, and prepare yourself for the day ahead.

11. Eat breakfast with toddler (she will not yet have finished because she will have been zombie-ing out in front of the t.v.

12. Finish breakfast before toddler

13. Use aforementioned t.v. as a tactic to get her to eat. Turn off, wait for her expression of horror and rapid fire spoon to mouth reflex, turn on. Repeat as necessary.

14. Go and get screaming baby

15. Feed/change screaming baby

16. Go and deal with toddler’s potty and her shouting for “Mummy!  Done a woo-woo”

17. Give toddler a sticky for wee-wee

18. Give screaming baby breakfast

19. Dress toddler

20. Dress baby in something pretty

21. Change baby’s very full nappy

22. Dress baby in something else pretty

23. Be followed around by whinging toddler wanting to be picked up

24. Clear up

25. Wash up

26. Start the washing machine (but don’t even think you will be hanging out the laundry until it is dark and the children are both in bed)

27. Attempt to go out to the park, but come back home 20 minutes later because it is too cold/hot out there.

28. Make lunch

29. Eat lunch

30. Feed baby

31. Dress baby in something else yet again

32. Play with children

33. Put toddler down for a nap

34. Hope toddler stays down for a nap

35. Do a manic tidy while baby is calmish

36. If baby starts to cry, put the hoover on.

37. If you are feeling energetic, actually run the hoover over the floor. There are plenty of crumbs underneath the table

38. Do something selfish (Facebook, e-mails, watch t.v.)

39. Hear what sounds like footsteps on the stairs. Go and get toddler from her station on the stairs where she looks a bit like an apparition (try not to jump)

40. Hug toddler until she is properly awake

41. Give toddler milk and fruit

42. Feed baby

43. Interrupt feed to deal with toddler’s poo in potty

44. Give toddler sticker for poo

45. Continue baby’s
feed

46. Change baby’s nappy

47. Clean the bath

48. Start preparing dinner

49. Serve dinner

50. Wait for baby to fall asleep

51. Run bath

52. Take bath with toddler

53. Get out early to baby’s cries

54. Get toddler ready for bed

55. Read toddler story while feeding baby

56. Brush toddler’s teeth while holding baby, or stationing baby in front of t.v.

57. Put toddler to bed.  Bribe her to stay there with the promise of a sticker in the morning

58. Go downstairs

59. Take bath with baby

60. Get baby ready for bed

61. Take baby to bed

62. Feed baby to sleep (don’t worry, it’s ok)

63. If possible, stay there so you are not interrogated by husband wanting to know why you didn’t go to the bank/post office/dry cleaners today

64. If not, go downstairs and send hubby when baby wakes up crying

65. Go to bed at 10p.m. to feed baby to sleep

66. Wake up at 4.a.m….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*1 This may result in waking up with a cold boob, but there is a price to pay for every short-cut and I find this preferable to breastfeeding while awake and infinitely better than having to wake up and trek downstairs to make a bottle.

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